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August 7, 2012
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"What's wrong?"

"I need fifty cents.  Like now." Kayla has an almost panicked look in her eyes.

"Umm… why?"

"Let's just say that Mother Nature is a bitch and I'm not pregnant."

Realization dawns on Penelope.  "Oh.  Do you have any cash on you, because all I brought is plastic?"

"I have a five, but it's so awkward asking for change in quarters." Kayla explains.

"So what do you want to do? Even if we left now we still wouldn't make it home for another forty five minutes."

"Is that a pretzel booth?" Kayla asks as she starts walking towards the food court.

Penelope does a double take at the sudden change, and then runs to catch up with Kayla. "ADD much? You were having a crisis a moment ago."

"Have you had the pretzel sticks from here? This place is heaven in soft warm pretzel form."

"What?" Penelope still cannot quite follow what just happened in Kayla's head.

Looking at the price board posted above the pretzel cart, "A cup of pretzel sticks is only two dollars and change. You want to split one with me?" Kayla asks.

"Uh sure. What just happened?" Penelope gestures at where they were just standing.

Kayla hands over her five-dollar bill and gets two ones and handful of change back. Penelope takes the cardboard cup of pretzel sticks and a handful of napkins from the person behind the counter while Kayla puts the money in her pocket.

"Two quarters! Be right back!" Kayla calls over her should as she runs back to the restroom.

Penelope finds an empty, mostly clean table in the crowded food court and keeps her eyes on the door Kayla disappeared into.

A few minutes later Kayla reappears, and after looking around for a few seconds, makes her way over to Penelope.

When she sits down, Penelope asks, "Feeling better?"

"Yup. Sorry about that." Kayla responds; grabbing one of the pretzel sticks from the cardboard cup. "Mmm, these are so so so good!"

Penelope bites into her stick after scrapping all the salt onto the floor. "Mhmm. Definitely. The cleaning people are going to hate me for this," she says as looks at the salt.

"Oh well. Let them. It's not like we come here often enough for them recognize you as the salt scrapper, and I doubt you're the only one that does it. Not to mention the worse messes' people tend to make, a little salt on the floor probably won't even cross their minds."

"Eh. True. So where to next?" Penelope asks. She breaks the last stick in half and offers the slightly larger piece to Kayla, who bites it out of her hand.

"I don't really care." She looks around at the storefronts on the outside of the food court. "Ooh, how about there?" she points at ta store with pastel purple window decorations and girly things on display.

"Sure." Penelope stands to throw out the empty pretzel cup, wiping the salty butter of her fingers on the napkins she grabbed. Kayla follows behind her as they weave their way through tables and chairs.

Once inside the store, both girls head over to the earring selection. Looking at everything but not taking anything off the shelves. They continue to wander around the small store, fingers interlaced when they aren't looking at the prices on anything.

Kayla stops by the nail polish selection and holds up a blue bottle for Penelope's opinion. "What do you think?"

Penelope gently takes it from her and puts it back on the shelf it came from. "I think you have enough blue, at least four bottles at home." She picks up a bright pink with glitter. "How about this? Your favorite color and sparkles."

Kayla slowly turns it over in her hand, "But I hate pink nail polish. It's so normal. And this is glitter, not sparkles. I would obsess over where and how much was on each nail, and then probably smudge them making it all pointless." Kayla explains as she puts it back. "Ooh this is pretty." She picks up a metallic white one and gives it to Penelope to consider.

"Ooh, yea it is. It's white but sparkles," she looks to Kayla for calling it sparkly and gets a nod of approval. "And when you turn it in the light it's pink or green. That is so cool! How do you think they made it do that?"

"I have no idea, but it's on sale so I'm getting it." Kayla walks up to the counter and pays while Penelope steps outside the store to wait.

When Kayla joins her, she has a little plastic bag clutched in her hand and a guilty look on her face.

"What else did you get?"

Kayla starts blabbering, "They were so cute. And really cheap. I only got one, and it'll look really good on you." She tries to explain as she reaches into the bag and pulls out a blue flower barrette. She pulls Penelope's bangs off to the side of her head and pins them there with the clip.

Penelope feels around the top of her head for whatever Kayla just stuck in her hair. Finally finding it, she pulls it out to look. "It is really cute. I can't wait to see it in a mirror." She says as she puts it back in her dark hair.

"Told you I have good taste." Kayla says as she leans over to kiss Penelope.

Returning the kiss Penelope says, "I never said you didn't."
:iconbutterflikissed:
Dreams and Wishes

The first part of this actually happened to me when I was visiting my best friend over spring break. It was so mortifying. Also, Auntie Annes pretzels are so amazing! if you've never had one i highly recommend them.

Some physical description in here! I keep saying I want to do a character sheet, or something but then I get lazy and don't.

opinions appreciated
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:iconmarkusglanzer:
=markusglanzer Aug 30, 2012  Professional General Artist
nice dialogue/working example, but I've always got the feeling, that you're in a hurry.
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:iconbutterflikissed:
*ButterfliKissed Sep 1, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you.
I'm sorry you feel that way, any ideas on how to make it not seem so rushed?
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:iconmarkusglanzer:
=markusglanzer Sep 2, 2012  Professional General Artist
I'd suggest, to try to give the places and locations more detail. It's really a matter of personal taste, but... well, I'll give some examples.

It's a mall, I guess, there could be a lot of people, but there could also be no one else around. Is there elevator-style music playing in the background, or is there a real wall of noise building up from the voices of the people around. Are there some details? Is there a special smell, a blind beggar somewhere, maybe some child, looking for it's parents is being called out over loudspeaker, special offers are announced or store detectives just watching for shoplifters.

Give the characters some breaks, let them see something more than the people they are actually interact with. Discover some nice details, or comment something completely random.

I liked the part where Penelope discovered the free table, with the 'crumbling off the salt from the pretzels' thing. When she looks around aimlessly, describe the location, and what she sees, so it feels like it takes some time until Kayla returns, instead of just saying 'a few minutes' and so on. People have no 'standby' mode, and are always doing something. The reader will not necessarily care for all that detail, or even notice it, but it will feel like some time has passed, since the reader and the character where doing something meanwhile, that just felt like waiting 'a few minutes'

As far as I know such stores, their table are often a marbleish somewhat sprinkled design, with little pieces of 'glitter' in it, to masquerade eventual crumbs already lying around. This would be a different detail.

Also people are interacting with their Environment - making a character look and think about something at first completely unrelated could lead to different dialogue lines. Did you ever speak about that lot of tiny holes in the ceiling of that place, with the ventilation above?

I hope this was helpful and somewhat readable.
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:iconbutterflikissed:
*ButterfliKissed Sep 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Oh My God! You are a genius! This is amazing! I hope you don't mind if I actually do use some (most) of these ideas (I will try to give credit, but chances are I'll forget where I got the ideas from by the time I use them, sorry). I'm totally saving them in a word document somewhere. Thank you! Thank you! thank you!!! :heart: :squee:
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:iconmarkusglanzer:
Mood: Joy =markusglanzer Sep 4, 2012  Professional General Artist
You're welcome, and no worries, I tend to forget a lot of things too.
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:iconmacadamiannutjob:
I really enjoyed this. :)
The conversationa and interaction between the two was really natural and flowed beautifully, it didnt feel forced and I could picture everything in my head clearly. I also think you do a good job on making the girls seem very in love without over doing it, a touch there and a kiss at the end. Its tasteful :D
I also have to agree that Auntie Ann's preztels are delicious and everytime I walk by one in the mall I have to stop lol.
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:iconbutterflikissed:
*ButterfliKissed Sep 1, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much! :heart: That really means a lot to me, you're so nice! :hug:
I know right! They are so good and warm and made of yum!
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:iconmacadamiannutjob:
Your welcome.
Oh thanks :D
I'm also a fan of cinnabon lol ;)
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:iconangelichope:
I think this is good, and very sweet and entertaining to read!:) Very cute!:) and where do they sell Auntie Annes pretzels?
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:iconbutterflikissed:
*ButterfliKissed Aug 11, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
thank you!! :heart:

usually in malls or such. i've mostly seen them in malls. they have a blue and white checkerboard sign. i'm sure you could google it.
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